Miscarriage – Part 2

Monday morning rolled around and my cramps had mostly subsided. There were still some, but the pain was negligible. Physically I was doing okay so I made a stupid decision – I went into work. My advice to others – take the time off if you can. I was visibly upset. I mostly hid in my office. Someone asked me about my weekend and I said I’d rather not talk about it. I think I managed to come up with one funny story about something my cats did, but that was about it. I just came in and sat at my desk and worked. My brain was numb. My boss hugged me and it was too much and I just started crying again. I spent some of the day with my door closed. I made it through the day and curled up in bed when I got home. I think we took the dogs out on a walk, we didn’t talk much. Too much to process.

By Tuesday morning my cramping had completely stopped. I emailed my doctor to ask her advice since I was 90% certain that I hadn’t passed the embryo yet. She scheduled an appointment for me to come in first thing on Wednesday. The second day at work was easier than the first (because at least people don’t ask questions about your weekend on a Tuesday) but it was still hard. A coworker came into my office and said she knew something sad had happened and wish she could do something to make me feel better. Another hug, another bout of tears. I truly appreciate her support and her ability to acknowledge sadness without prying as to what was happening. While I was so glad I had told my boss about my pregnancy because it made everything relating to the miscarriage so much easier, I was also glad I hadn’t told my coworkers. I really don’t think I would’ve made it through that first day if everyone knew. If they had all been asking what happened at Friday’s appointment, if I had to tell them that I was going through a miscarriage. If they had all been sad for me without knowing what to say. It was better this way – having a coworker who didn’t know why I was sad but knew what to say.

I made it through most of Tuesday before I started cramping again and at that point I just couldn’t take it emotionally. The paranoia of remembering how quickly things escalated on Saturday and worrying that it would happen again. The fact that I had zero pain meds with me. The fact that I was emotionally just numb. I couldn’t pretend anymore and so I just went home (I have the most understanding boss in the world who had told me to take the whole week off if I needed to). Home I went, ready for the appointment Wednesday morning.

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