The Appointment

My husband and I went to our 12 week check-up, excited at the thought of actually hearing the heartbeat this time. We had seen the heartbeat at the 8 week appointment – the amazingly fast flutter. But somehow I thought it would all start to seem more real once we heard it. We started the ultrasound and she suggested that my uterus might be tilted because she really couldn’t get a good picture with the external wand, so she switched to the internal wand. As the image came on screen, I started noticing that I wasn’t seeing the rapid flutter from the last time. Then she started measuring and getting measurements of around 9 weeks 5 days. I knew something was wrong. She quietly said she was going to get my ob for a consult because she wasn’t seeing a heart beat.
That intervening time… my husband came over to hold my hand. I squeezed so tightly. I knew what we were talking about. I didn’t want it to be real.
When my OB came in she confirmed that she also didn’t see a heartbeat, and that combined with the lack of growth indicated…
She said all the right things, I knew they were the “right” things… and let me tell you – it mattered. It mattered so much to hear her say “it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do.” Basically that in most cases there is just something wrong with the embryo and it isn’t viable.

Although she said we could have time to process, I told her I did much better with information. So she started to walk us through our options. Wait and see if my body aborts it naturally. Get assistance from a drug called misoprostol (induces cramping). Schedule a D&C. My inclination was to wait and see if my body would do this naturally however she gently suggested that I might want to have the pills just in case. Due to how far along I was and since it had been a few weeks and my body still hadn’t realized the embryo was no longer viable. She suggested that she prescribe the pills so I would have them if I decided to use them (along with vicodin for the pain). We went with that.

I was supposed to go back to work (that wasn’t happening) and with tears streaming down my face I start to dial my boss. My husband took the phone from me and talked to her for me. Because I told her about the pregnancy on Monday, all he had to say was that the appointment didn’t go well – there was no need for complicated explanations or questions. It was short and simple and she said her thoughts were with us and that I should take whatever time I needed.

The rest of Friday afternoon we were just in a haze. Tears, numbness, a feeling that this is all just unreal.

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